Archive for the ‘STORY’ Category

Sankirthi opened her eyes to the sound of her favorite Royal Enfield sound. She pulled out her mobile under her pillow and saw the time. “6” saying she kicked her blanket and pulled the curtains aside. There was he sitting on his beast wearing red Nike jacket and knee length shorts. The never missed bandana was sitting in its usual place stopping his long hair from falling on his forehead, the one she gifted him. “Darn the Freak!!! Forgot the helmet”, Sankirthi said to herself.

If not for the December’s chilly wind Sankirthi would have sat like that hours watching him. She picked her blanket and wrapped around her and continued what she was doing earlier. He sneezed and waited patiently when the watchman opened the gate. He said something and watchman smiled “he and his cheap jokes” Sankirthi said and smiled. With ear plug on its place he gave a solid kick to the beast and it obeyed him. In fraction of second he disappeared in the early fog of Bangalore’s mist.

That’s how Sankirthi’s day started, no matter what, sharp at 6 she was there near the window watching Leeroy leave for the gym. It’s not that she was in love or something it just that she liked watching him saying that she consoled herself. The number of gals visited his house on weekend she could bet on any grave that he never felt anything for her other than mere friendship.

She yawned and rolled on her bed for some more time, she was still not ready to get up and do her daily chores yet. She closed her eyes for a minute to get a hold on her thoughts. She took deep breaths and sat on her bed. She said small prayer in her mind and walked towards kitchen humming some old Hindi song .

She looked at the wall clock in the hall, “6.15”,  she kept the water on gas for coffee and hurried . “Hello bro, what’s up?” saying that she winked at the framed photo of her brother hung on the wall. She continued “I know, you are doing very well, ask me how I am?.” She took a deep breath and said “To be honest I am in real bad shape, final semester exams are near and your mother is ringing some temple bell at dawn, almost every morning, wonder for whom she is praying for. She reaches temple before the temple priest reach, can you beat that. That old woman doesn’t cook anything other than rice and sambar. Oh man life sucks.” She opened the main door and picked packet of milk and newspaper. With Kitty trailing behind her she said “your father is still same, breaks his head over news and cricket , can you beat that. I feel he doesn’t even remember he has a daughter.” After keeping the milk packet on kitchen counter she lifted Kitty in her arms, kissing her “But thanks to Kityy, she keeps me busy, her silly games and her two kittens, Piggy and Masshi occupy my time”. He let go of Kitty placing her on the floor and open the packet of milk, Kitty rubbed herself to her legs meowing all time , telling her its time she fill her bowl with milk.

“I know sweet heart, give me one second”

Saying she filled Kitty’s bowl. Kitty, Piggy and Masshi attacked the bowl draining the milk in fraction of second.

She patted Kittys head “see it wasn’t that bad, was it”

When she realized its 7.00 she said “Off you go now Kitty, I am late already”

She busied herself in her chores. She on the geyser and prepared the tea. Sipping her tea she walked to the hall “where was I?, yes I was telling about Kitty and her kittens. I don’t know what to do with Piggy and Masshi, nobody is ready to take them. But I have an idea, Leeroy’s 25th bday  is round the corner  guess what his bday gift will be?Kittens.” she laughed loudly like a sadist witch

“Last week I asked him politely to take piggy and Masshi but that bum did not budge. Now I am going to buy a nice fancy basket and place Peggy and Masshi in it covering them with nice table cloth and take it over his place. He doesnt like cats, I don’t know why, every time he sees Kitty he jumps. When he was small one cat had pawed him, those scars are still on his lower cheek, dont ask me how I know. ”

She took a sip of her tea and sighed “Funny part is he cant return his bday gift. Like it or not he have to keep the kittens. And he is a keeper so I am tension free” She emptied her tea cup, getting up from the chair she said picking her bath towel from the balcony “ok bro, will catch up tomorrow with more update, time to run”. Saying she hurried towards bath room to take morning her shower.

By the time Sankirthi got ready to college her father was reading newspaper, mother was preparing some breakfast at the last minute. She looked at the wall clock and thought again she have to relive on her college canteen for her lunch and breakfast. She hurriedly picked an apple from the dining table took a bite and started running holding her college bag. “Bow your head to god and go Sankirthi” when her dad’s concerned voice fell on her ears she came running back bowed her head to all gods statute which were almost submerged in flowers.  She whispered “if she would have done atleast 5% of what she does for you I would have been over the moon”. After saying bye to her father she started running thinking she is going to miss her college bus again. She stopped for a second near the door hoping her mother will say something but when she didn’t hear the voice which she was longing, she hurried swallowing the pain.

She was in such a hurry that she didn’t see Leeroy coming out of his house and bumped into him. If Leeroy would not have held her at the right moment she would have fallen from the steps. Her college bag and apple were now lying on the floor without a care in the world. “Cant you keep your eyes open Roy” saying she picked her bag and apple from the floor. When she realized she cant eat the apple she stared at him. Long hair combed nicely, in ironed formal black pants and maroon full sleeve shirt he looked royally handsome for boring office. If the anger was on its way then before Sankirthi knew it was long gone.

Leeroy stood there smiling at her while she stared at him with open mouth. He whistled slowly and said “wowo, you look fab, still trying to impress that guy who had come home last year? What’s with your hair??Where’s that oil?”. Leeroy started to laugh touching her hair which usually used to coat with oil. Snakirthi glared at him and spat “Yeah, how do you know. If everything goes smoothly I will be mother of his kids soon” being said that she started to run. Leeroy held her hand and said “I don’t think you want to go in bath room slippers. And about the guy, stay away from him, they want only one thing”. Sankirthi pulled her hand daringly and asked “what about you Leeroy, what you want?”. Leeroy chuckled and said looking into her eyes “you never know what I want Ki,”.Sankirthi didn’t like the way he was looking at her. She slowly broke the eye contact and checked her feet to make sure Leeroy was kidding about her bath room slippers. Sankirthi realized she was still wearing her bath room slippers, she cursed and ran back home.

When Sankirthi reached the gate Leeroy was waiting for her on his Royal Enfield. She swallowed the bile and tried to ignore him. Before she could reach him he yelled “Come on, hop in Ill drop you till the bus stop”. Sankirthi wanted to say no not because she wanted to but because her mother was standing near the window and was watching her.  Something made her agree to his offer. She covered her head with stole and said “you are such a life saver Roy” and sat on the bike.  She knew it her mother was still watching her. With insane guts she kept her hand on Leeroy’s shoulder and smiled.

When they crossed the gate she took off her hand from Leeroy’s shoulder. She checked her reflection in preview mirror to make sure her lip-gloss was still there. When the shiny liquid made its presence known Sankirthi smiled at the mirror and kept her bag in front of her as a shield. Leeroy laughed and said “What you think I am going to take advantage? That too on my bike!!You must be kidding me? As per I remember last time you took advantage of me and kissed right there under that banyan tree” he pointed out at the tree. Sankirthi looked away with flushed face. How can she dare to forget the day when for the first time she kissed Leeroy, her crazy insane guts. Ignoring her discomfort she said “how’s your mom now?”. As Leeroy couldn’t hear Sankirthi over the heavy noise of morning traffic he bent sideways and said “what”. Sankirthi was forced to lean forward.

Her nostrils went wild when familiar john musk perfume hit them. His beard was gone and moustache was trimmed neatly. Her hands itched to touch his cheek and feel the skin. Thank god his eyes were on road else definitely he would have read her thoughts she was sure about that. She leaned forward and said “How’s your mom?”. Leeroy shrugged his shoulder and took a pause before answering “she doing good, goes to hospital almost every week, I am just worried that’s she might never recover……”  The pain in Leeroy’s voice hit Sankirthi. She squeezed his shoulder lightly and said “Don’t worry Roy, she will be alright, trust me”. When he stopped his bike in front of bus stop Sankirthi got down. When she saw her classmate she relaxed a bit, college bus was not yet come. She looked at Leeroy and said nothing. When she was about to leave when Leeroy took out an apple from his bag held it in front of her said “where’s your manners lady?! Say thank you and move your big ass I am getting late to office”. He took a large bite of apple and gave it to Sankirthi and winked. Before Sankirthi could say anything he was gone. She stood there watching him disappear in the heavy traffic. She was defiantly falling in love with him if she’s not already in love she thought. Everything about him was lovable, even his sweat

With her head leaning on the glass window Sankirthi looked out without interest. Her mother ignorance towards her pricked her everyday, no matter how hard she tried to ignore. When she was small she had cried many times wondering why her mother never showed any affection, she had her own reasons for sure. It was always her father who cared for her until Leeroy moved into her building. She still remembers the day when a black Honda city entered the compound when she was talking with watchman. Glued to the ground she watched a man, in his late 60 get down from driver seat. When his eyes fell on her he give her one of his broad smile and said “Hi”. Sankirthi return the smile and before she know she had walked towards car hoping for a kid of her age will get down and finally she will have a friend. The man extended his hand and said “I am George, new resident; we stay in the second floor”. Sankirthi shook his hand, looked at him with curious eyes. When she couldn’t wait longer she asked “do you have any kid’s?you see I have no friends….”. Before she could finish there he was opening the front door and inspecting his new surroundings. When a lady dress in loosely fitted cotton salwar emerged from back seat Sankirthi was fascinated by her beauty. With bob hair and glasses on, looked very motherly to her. When she realized she may not have any chance of making friends with that trendy boy she thought maybe she will never have a good friend. With black shades on and with ears still plugged with his headphones like an astronaut who loved heavy metal. She looked at the lady and gave her best smile. When lady returned her smile she thought maybe she can have can have a good friend after all. After a quick introduction she got to know that ladies name is Lydia.  Such a lovely name she thought.

Sankirthi had taken the job of showing them around pretty seriously. She helped them to locate their apartment in 2nd floor, floor below her apartment.

With her trailing Mr George, with her hands filled with bags she felt finally she could be friends with someone. After setting up the things Lydia had thanked her from bottom of her heart. Sankirthi had jumped out of her place and had hugged Lydia. Lydia had touched her head and said “you are always welcome here, come anytime you want, Leeroy would love to have some friends like you”. How Sankirthi wanted to correct her that she wanted to be friend with her rather than her son. Lydia had told her that they had moved to India due to some medical treatment. Even though Sankirthi was curious she didn’t dared to ask any questions. Lydia had told that their son, Leeroy was against moving to India from Dubai. As he was finding hard to adjust she had asked Sankirthi to talk to Leeroy. For Lydia’s sake she had tried talking to Leeroy, but when he ignored her she had given up trying to talk to him.

It was one evening she was riding her bicycle in the garden, school kids, old people were walking and laughing sitting in the garden. She was enjoying her ride when suddenly cycle’s chain came out. She tried to put the chain back in it place, even though she had no idea how to do so. Its then she felt she have to take the cycle to the shop Leeroy stepped in front of her from nowhere  and raised his eyebrows “next time try asking people, they might help you”.Sankirthi just wondered how this gulf boy know about fixing cycle chain. She stood there as Leeroy carefully put the chain back in its place, with his hands already black with grease. Once it’s done Leeroy said “there you go”. Sankirthi looked at his black oil stained hands and asked “where you learn this?”. Leeroy raised his eyebrows again showing no interest in answering her question. She said “may be you can teach me”. Leeroy had smiled and said “come on Ki, the last thing I want is to teach you is about fixing your cycle”. She stood in front of him staring  at his now smiling eyes and said “ok, I take it as no. May be ill inform your dad about your newly developed smoking habit”. Smile had left Leeroy’s face without a trace. There he was staring at her wondering how the hell she found about him. Sankirthi said “I don’t have much time Roy, decide quickly”. It’s the same day Leeroy became Roy to her and Sankirthi became just Ki to him.

Sankirthi closed her eyes hoping to doze for a while. Leeroy was always around when she needed someone. Before even she could say he understood her thoughts, which scared her even now. For Sankirthi he was a superhero who can do anything and everything. When he got his female friends home she was jealous and had cursed them all. As he was going to some fancy Christian college, his friends were all yo-yo type, with guys spiked up hair and girls micro miniskirts. When his friend visited his house Sankirthi made sure she never stepped out of her house even though Leeroy invited her to join them. She had seen some of his female friends in deep Vneck trying to gain all Leeroy’s attention. Even though those pretty gals tried hard she was the first one to kiss him, she consoled herself. She smiled thinking about her first kiss, Leeroy standing there shock in his eyes and Sankirthi kissing him, standing on her toes.

When bus stopped in front of college gate Sankirthi forcibly opened her eyes wondering who will be the next guy she will be kissing. As it was late she hurried to class

When Sankirthi reached home at 7in the evening that day she was dead tired. Writing some stupid program had drained her all energy and strength. She pushed the door and walked in, dumping her bag on the sofa and collapsing on it. Her father who was watching local news said “Bad day putta?”.. Its then her mother came from kitchen and stood in front of her. Sankirthi prepared herself for the volcano to erupt. When she had seen her mother standing near the window in the morning she had anticipated the worse. Her mother said “how many times I told you to stay away from that gulf Christian boy, today again you went with him on his bike that too you were literally falling on him. I just wonder what you were thinking…”.Her father switched off the TV and removed his specs and sat there with undivided concentration trying to understand about whom they were talking.   “He is my friend and I don’t have to think before going with him” Sankirthi replied with stead firm voice. Her mother looked at her father and said “you heard what she said? I had told you not to give her freedom see now..” she turned towards Sankirthi and said “tomorrow some other guy will call and I wouldn’t be surprise if you go with him happily”. Sankithi lost her patience stood in front of her mother and said “I wont, as he wont be Leeroy”. Her mother slapped her across her face and said “Behave yourself, you little crap of shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if you elope with that Christina boy. Anyways you don’t go to temple, don’t pray..”. With her father trying to be pacemaker Sankirthi picked her bag and strolled to her room. She locked the door and fell on her bed, tears flooding down her cheek. Her mother never liked Leeroy, without any valid reason she blamed him. Anyone saying a single bad word against Leeroy tricked her off, even her mother. She always hated him, hated the way he dressed, the way he talked. She never spoke to his parents no matter how many times Lydia tried to talk to her. Why she had to be mean to those who were dear to her, Sankirthi never understood. Lydia was her like real mother, listening to her worries and giving advise when she was in confused state. Her mother used to throw the Christmas cake Lydia used to give without even opening the cover. Sometimes she wondered may be her mother is suffering from mental disorder. Her hatred, her ignorance were beyond understandable. How many times she planned to run away from home, her distress mother but then her father’s innocent face always stopped her

Door bell ringing sound interrupted Sankirthi’s trail of thoughts. She smiled, in spite of bad moment with her mother and wiped her tears still lying on her bed for she knew her warrior was already there to help her. She could hear Leeroy’s voice as he talked to her father. She washed her face and walked into hall wearing her sweet timid smile. There he was all dressed in his usual basketball clothes and smiling at her. When he looked straight into her eyes their eyes spoke silently. He slowly said “I will be travelling to US this weekend, official visit, thought I will inform you personally, couldn’t wait till tomorrow so came”. He then turned towards he father and said “sorry for barging like that, was so happy wanted to share the good news with Ki”. Sankirthi knew very well why he was there standing in her house, talking to her father. He wanted to make sure she is doing ok. Now with him gone she will be like colorless rainbow. With tears filling her eyes she was scared that her worry will reflect on her face. Saying congrats she excused herself and locked herself in the sanctuary of her room. Her one and only one dear friend , her warrior was going away, far from her she wanted to cry loudly. She wiped her tears thinking her mother must be celebrating now, may be that’s what her mother prayed everyday she thought. She looked at her brother’s pic on her table and started to think. She had to do something crazy to piss her mother even more and she knew it what she had to do. With wicked smile on her face she packed her bags and counted her pocket money. She patted her back and said “it is time to rock and roll baby.

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I looked at him; with black shirt buttoned till top and blue jeans, he looked funny with uncombed hair and those dark circles under his eyes. I have never seen this version of him. His trick to look like a heartbroken man in despair was working to a certain extent on the onlookers, with that over grown beard and moustache. But definitely not on me for I was his wife for long 6 years. What shrewd thoughts are dancing behind that masked expression, malice behind the sweet smile, and goal behind the scheming little gesture, I knew it very well with my past experience with that son of the wicked witch. As for the witch, dressed in black salwar, sniffing her nose, holding my two years old son in her arms like a caring grandmother.

You will pay for your debts, before you leave this world” I screamed at her. But like always she ignored me and continued wiping her crocodile tears. My heart was turmoil when my eyes fell on my mother being consoled by my sister. In her loosely fit sari blouse and green draped sari she just looked at me in silence. There were no tears, no sniffing nose just a blank look. Taking care of me, keeping the smile on my face had already drained the energy from her 65 years old body. How I wanted to hug her and say “everything is going to be alright mom, you don’t have to worry about me anymore”. I was grateful to my sister for standing by her side with her arms around defeated shoulder and comforting. The priest went on blabbering, making the cross sign, sprinkling holy water on me and around me, preparing my eternal resting place where worms will feed on me, enjoying and burping. I risked a last quick glance at my motionless body in casket for I am going to recall it in future whenever I want to remember my final journey.

Clad in a cheap red shimmering sari, which I picked for myself for my own funeral and jasmine flowers adorned on my then small now bulging head I looked funny. “Is that really me?” I asked myself. May be tumor growing inside my head made me look funny I justified. ”Oh god, I look like a woman suffering from mumps”. I laughed out loud for no one was there to restrain me from doing so. I twirled with joy enjoying this new freedom. I looked at my static body again, below my chest I was submerged with dark red roses, blooming jasmine, carnations and flowers I didn’t know. I felt so heavenly, I craved for flowers when I was alive and after my death I was showered with them. Consolation prize of dying I assumed. My grin widened when my eyes fell on my neatly shaped eyebrows. “Just perfect”, I said.

My time was up the moment I left my deceased body. On my begging god let me venture little more into this world of living. I had to see my son for one last time, dead or alive there is no boundary to a mothers love. Blame it on my tumor I was snatched away from the precious moment with my son, I craved to shower his face with kisses and hear him giggle, thrived to hold him in my arms and sing a lullaby, watch him sleep peacefully . With all the privileges gone with my breath I just have to satisfy my desperation just by merely watching him.

She died so young, feel sorry for the kid, suffered a lot,” people went on expressing their views even when I wasn’t interested to know. Darn them, “Shh,can’t you all just keep quiet for a minute” I grumbled loudly but like the witch they ignored me and continued with what they were doing.

I looked at the priest who was quiet, then all of sudden he signaled at the men standing near my cozy, warm, forever sleeping bag. But before they could make a move my husband hurried to me and kissed my forehead like a loving husband who is going to miss dearly, while I shivered not with delight but with hatred. For the 6 years of marriage he gave me nothing but tears, yelling and beatings along with his mother, and now when I am finally free from his clutches he pretends to be desolated for the benefits and sympathy of the world.

Freshly out of college, with vivid colorful dreams of future I was working as an accountant in a small firm. With my shy smile, jet black hair and average height I was able to capture many proposals. Like a normal girls I dreamt of a loving husband, adorable kids and caring family.

Fallen for his twinkling eyes and charms on the first meet in presence of our elders I couldn’t imagine marrying anybody else. When my mother tried to convince me to reconsider my decision after hearing his great deeds from other people, my decision was still the same. Even though it was arranged marriage I went to callous willingly, how I wish I had listened to my mother then. My husband seemed to be a good man, with his care and love I bloomed like a camellia in autumn.

When I boarded the flight to Dubai with my husband after a month I felt like a contented woman. “Happiness is short lived” something I totally forgot, lost in the arms of my husband. With every passing day my husband’s real face surfaced like a dead body from the bottom of the sea. Bored whole day in the cramped four walls I looked forward for his arrival in the evening. But his late night banging on the door, followed by the yelling’s for opening the door lately killed my dreams with sling shot.

His increased abuse, gibe, foul language and thrashing martyred my smile and happiness forever. When I expressed my wish to work to escape the boredom he blindly said no carrying out his mothers orders smoothly, without even questioning once. I wanted to kill myself just in 3 years of my marriage, but when I realized there is a new life dependent on me I cried my heart out. I did not wanted the little one to bear the same ill fate like me filled with tears, sadness and hatred. Heavy bleeding during third month of my pregnancy and the continuous headaches, I hoped for a miscarriage, for the new innocent life will be free before even its come into this world.

After nine months when Samuel was born I was overwhelmed by my motherly love but I feared for his future during the silent nights. When my headaches were beyond control I saw a doctor who after doing all kinds of tests, avoided my eyes and slowly whispered “You have a tumor growing inside of your head which is in the final stage”.

My life was shattered because my son was too small, incapable of fighting his own battles. My mother begged me to come to her but I stayed with my husband for I didn’t want to be a burden on her. Already I was an entity who had lost her identity and I preferred it to be that way in my last days, gulping my pain, wiping my tears in the silence of night sleeping next to my sleeping baby

Abuse, yelling from my husband multiplied, my medication, at least, eased the pain I was going through, although it didn’t prove to be a complete cure. Few months later my husband’s blunt no to spend money on my medication and exceeded exploitation forced me to pack my bags and go to haven of my waiting mother. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part”, our wedding vow laughed at me with my husband showing his back to me when I needed him the most.

My mother was shattered seeing my bloated head, sunken eyes and the 2 years old little Samuel clinging to me, with fearful eyes glaring at her. I tried to be brave with a fake smile on my face but the knowing look from my mother was enough to wet my eyes. At the edge of life, I was happy with my mother; who fed me, took me to hospital, cleaned my puke on bad days and my sister, who boosted my energy with her amusing dialogues.

The final blow came when on one fine day my husband along with his mother came to see me. Glaring at them in my doorstep I could feel the well planned deceit.

I will take Samuel with me” my husband muttered sipping the coffee my mom offered.

What for, he is doing just fine here” I replied trying to sound not so anxious.

You don’t understand Jude, he has to see you suffer every day. It’s not good for him at this young age.” My mother-in-law pitched in.

Get out of my house” I wanted to yell at them but instead I replied calmly “He would rather see me suffer everyday than stay away from me”. They walked off taking their air of arrogance, hostility with them, but I knew they would be back and not stop until they got what they wanted.

Aware of their motives to separate my son from me, I met a lawyer to make the necessary arrangement so that my sister would get my son’s custody after I am gone to the world of dead. But before I could discuss the chances ,my tumor blackmailed me shamelessly; I was hospitalized. When I sat in the car for my one way journey to the hospital deep down I knew it was my last visit, freedom from suffering, pain was just arms away, I could literally feel my freedom. All I wanted was a little time but time was the one thing I didn’t have in my wallet . I wanted to screech at god, tell the tumor to stop its advance and death to fuck it self. I didn’t let my eyes shed tears, I didn’t let my spirit shrink, I didn’t let the painful headaches eradicate my smiles for my son’s sake who looked at me with hopeful eyes, hope to walk with his mother again, nag her and sleep into her arms.

I was in and out several times in my final week. On one such day I was coming around after painful headaches when I saw my husband, his mother standing near me, holding my son with triumphant grin on their face. I wanted to stop them, I wanted to shout at them not to touch my son with their stained hands. With my medicine working its wonder I was lost to the world of dumb before I could open my mouth. When I came around after a day my son was not around. I wailed with whatever little energy I got, I cried with my defeat, how can they separate him from me for I needed him more than anyone during my final moments.

I didn’t have to wait for long, that night I abandoned my abused, diseased body to rest peacefully for eternity. I was happy in a way but sad in another for I can’t be around to look after my son.

As I looked, my husband backed out crying loudly when my son just looked at me and whispered “Mommy”. My heart throbbed with despair. It won’t be very long before he forgets my face,my loving embrace, my name and his dear mommy.

As I watched, they first covered my face with pure white hand kerchief and whole body with white cloth.

white or color, old or new, I am still feasted by worms. Don’t you understand, it doesn’t matter” I said.

Then all of sudden they started pulling out the flowers from the casket

No, wait. Please don’t do that, I love flowers. Let them be with me on this victorious day. Please Sir” I went on begging but they did not budge.

Oh Jude, Jude, my dear Jude” I could identify my mother’s helpless whimper. Someone closed the casket and lowered it to freshly dug grave. Some threw the mud while others the flowers, bidding me their final farewell. From mud I came to belong to mud for now and for eternity.

Before you are born your fate is written by your creator, my love will always take care of you my darling, it will protect you from all the danger.” I said looking at my son whose eyes were closing with exhaustion.

I smiled, with my short painful journey coming to an end, there was a beginning to my new journey of freedom. I was happy for I could laugh again without any worries, after all I am a free soul.

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LOVE That Has No End 13

Posted: November 27, 2015 in STORY
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I lost my last ray of hope. I looked strong but from inside I was wailing, weeping. I stopped the bike near her house, she didn’t get down from bike immediately she still sat there and slowly laid her head on my shoulder. I sat there motionless fighting with my emotions, feelings, my tears.

After a while when I couldn’t take the torture anymore I said slowly “Go josh go, find your happiness and don’t worry about me. It shouldn’t trouble you whether I find someone or not because you don’t love me” . I knew she was weeping but I had to be rude. She got down and started walking towards her home. I sat nd watched her walk taking all the happiness, love and joy from my life, with her.

That’s how we stopped spending time together. Now we occasionally we chat ,sometimes when I have urge to see I go to her house and spend some time and come. Somehow even she misses me, I tell her how much I miss her but she never tells me.

                                                   *******************************

I saw the watch on the bed clock, 5.00PM it will like any other night when I have to live with no night sleep. With Hazel starting her new life in Pune with mom and Iyan I feel left alone in this crowded Mumbai. The girl I loved wants me to move on and here I am recalling my past like, every fucking moment. I checked the gallery in my phone there she was smiling at the camera, first woman I love so dearly and unconditionally. There are some lucky days like today when she calls to say hello. When she does I feel like king of my castle.

Few days back I asked her if she loves me again; I am a stubborn man I don’t easily let things go specially the woman I adore so dearly. I knew her answer but saying no she confirmed it . I tried to talk to her about giving a chance to Kevin because he is a really nice guy. I still love her and I will do till my last breath; after all she is my first love. I don’t know about future whether my story will end with a happy ending with her in my arms forever but I don’t care. I want her to be happy, If her happiness is being with Kevin or any other guy then be it. I will console myself saying I lost her someone more deserving than me.

I traced the finger around her smiling face on my phone and closed my eyes for so called my sleep.

                                                                     THE END

LOVE That Has No End 12

Posted: November 26, 2015 in STORY
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After 40 days, between all these worries my nephew was christened,Iyan we called him. As my sister didn’t want it to be grand it was a small function. Abel stood by my sister when the ceremony took place with all smiles on his face. Joshna was there too with her family. In that purple salwar she looked very beautiful. Every time I looked at Carmen my sisters torn clothes came in front of my eyes and Josh smiling face. When I couldn’t keep my eyes open, I shut them tightly.

My mom was worried about my sisters and Iyan’s future so she decided to talk to Abel’s family members after the function. When mom told Abel’s family what he had done they were not shocked and that amazed my mom and sister. Its then I realized he must have done similar things in the past. And for such a bastard my sister had to be the prey. During this family talk we came to know many things about Abel. In the past he had several affairs with girls, some even married women, many maids had left the job because of his loose behavior. I didn’t care about his past there was my sister who was just 27 and my nephew who was 45 days old. His family members begged to give him a final chance as he is a father now this might change him .Little they knew an animal is always an animal. Abel wept and said he will take care of my sister and Iyan. My sister was not convinced but she wanted to give a try for her son after all kids need family.

After one month with heavy heart I and my mom dropped my sister and Iyan at Abel’s place. I hugged her tightly and said “You don’t have to tell mom but remember one call and I will be here, you don’t have to worry about day or time”, saying that with heavy heart I kissed her on forehead and walked away with mom.

As my sister had quit job she was bored at home. To kill the time she used to go to the park beside the building with Iyan. The women from building used to feel sorry for her. They also told her about his affair with his neighbour girl who was a minor. He used to take that girl to his friends place and have physical relation with her. We didn’t realize he could fall for such a low level.

When Hazel got to know that Abel was still having an affair with the minor girl she called me. I went to meet her with mom with firm determination that she will be coming back with us. We filed a police complaint against him and got my sister and Iyan back. Even after that Abel’s family member insisted on having family talk. It looked funny to me, they wanted to have a family talk while whole family was torn into pieces. No matter how much he cried and begged we didn’t send Hazel back to that hell.

My sister wept for her father, wept for son, she wept for her broken marriage. Every time she walked out people would ask “When you’re are going back to your husband’s place?”. She was tired, tired of her life and this freaking society. She applied for a job in Pune and moved there with mom. I stayed back in Mumbai, I had so many things attached to my heart. As my mom and sister were aware of Joshna they didn’t say anything against her. She had told me once “Alan, she is nice girl. Don’t let this family crap tangle you”.

The decision was up to me I wanted the time to show mercy on me.

By now the misunderstanding between me and her dad had been cleared. He was close to me and I was his favorite. Whenever he felt like talking he gave me a call.

I had hopes but Josh was again giving me signal she and I cant be together. Sometimes she would say “find a girl and move on, we can’t be together”. I didn’t care and started to spend most of my time with her. I knew her friends, her colleagues, and even their bithdays. I knew her playlist and which song she likes to what’s going in her mind. We had this connection one look at her and I know what she’s thinking. May be thats whay we were inseperable.

Everything was going fine except her wanting me to move on. We used to chat late nights meet often. Talk all possible shit. It was her birthday 2014 June 16 , she went out with her aunt, there was her wedding topic came , one of her cousin suggested my name but her aunt and all said not to mention my name again. Tuss, I was the closed chapter which her family members never cared to open again

On her birthday night I planned to surprise her. To make sure she is at home I called her dad and he said its right time to come over. When I rang the bell expecting her dad to open the door, I was surprised to see there was no response. I waited patiently ringing the bell. I could hear someone unlatching the door. I pushed it open and could hear Joshna saying “will be with you in 5 minutes, make yourself home”. I smiled, luck was on my side. In little time I got I was able to fill the hall with heart shaped red balloons. When she came out in her puffy bath robe, her curly hair tied up, few drops of water on her face I lost my tongue. She then saw the balloons floating around in the light of the candle and smiled at me, yes that killer smile. I gave her a tight hug, kissed her forehead and wished her all happiness. The feeling, emotions, of that day are still alive with me till date.

Soon it was my birthday she preponed my birthday a week before as I was travelling to Singapore for youth conference. When I came back from Singapore I got a ring for her. How I wanted to kneel in front of her and ask her to marry me and put the ring, my wish never came true, I was scared that she will say no and stop talking to me, mercilessly killing our friendship.

When my mom came from Pune to visit me Josh came to meet her. My mom knew something’s wrong between us she knew that I was madly in love with Josh. To my surprise she didn’t hesitate, she welcomed Josh with open arms. Once Josh left, she asked me if she should speak to Carmen about the allience,I said no even though I wanted to say yes. How lucky I felt at that moment to have a mom like mine understanding, supporting and loving.

Days passed and Josh started to avoid me. I couldn’t understand her behavior. I wanted to meet and talk about it but she was not ready to bring up the issue. She used to avoid my every question with “you should move on and I don’t want to talk about it”

She believed she has to stop talking with me so that I could move, we tried couple of times but we couldn’t. I never understood why she doesn’t want to give a try with me.

When I couldn’t take her silent torture I went to meet her. I told her how I feel about her I am sure she already knew about it. She didn’t tell how she feels but kept on saying “find a girl and move on”. Once I lost my calm and shouted pointing out at her “See I found a girl but she doesn’t let me move on with her”. For which she hugged me tight and said “Not me my dumbo…different girl”.

don’t do this to us” I whispered in her ears. Her tears had soaked my shirt where she laid her head on my chest.

We cant be together Alan, Not now not ever” all she said and sobbed. I just held her close crying with her for the love I felt for her which I can never brand.

I was devastated but I didn’t want to give up my 9 years love just like that. So I decided to take some guidance from my friend Ryan ,a priest. Starting Josh looked hesitant but after lots of convincing she agreed to meet Father Ryan. We three sat in his office, he directly asked her whether she loves me or not. She looked at the priest and said “I am sure I don’t love him”. I knew she was lying may be Even Ryan felt the same thing so he asked her again whether she is saying no because of the family complication or because of her past. Without blinking her eyes she repeated her answer with firm voice “I am sure I don’t love him”. Is this the same girl who was telling me to find a girl and move on? Why she wanted me to find a girl and move on when she didn’t love me? I want to scream at her but instead I said “I dont know what is love but I know I understand her and she understands me .We use silence as our mode of communication. She doesn’t have to tell me what she is feeling one look at her and I know. I trust her and I think even she too trusts me, I care for her and she cares for me. According to me that is love”. There was silence for a while. I could feel her restlessness “ I care for him but I don’t love him I am sure about my feelings” she repeated, I could see her tears in her eyes. Father Ryan looked at us and said ”In this case you guys should stop spending with each other, it’s going to be very hard “. Did I do the right thing consulting the priest no, I wanted to bang my head to the wall. Instead of convincing the girl here he was telling us to go separate ways. Priest I tell you!!!

                                                                                                                   To Be Continued

LOVE That Has No End 11

Posted: November 24, 2015 in STORY
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Seasons changed and time moved, by now I was gone away from her life and Kevin was getting close to Josh. I still don’t know which thing pushed Josh over the edge, Austin’s insecurity, his over possessiveness or her mother’s concern for her. Finally one good day Josh broke up with Austin. Josh emotional need, rift in my sister’s married life all the problems were cooking my brain for a feast. Many times I was tempted to pack my bags and get lost in the world of stranger.

When my sister became more suspicious about my mom’s strange behavior around Abel she spoke to her friend who happens to be priest. She told him about mom’s strange behavior with Abel. She was sure he must have done something to her. Priest called her and asked her to meet personally. When she went to meet the priest first thing she told was “don’t tell anything to Hazel”. Weeping she narrated the whole incident to the priest.One day as usual Abel came to visit Hazel and she was in the kitchen. she was busy cooking for Hazel when Abel came from behind and grabbed her , his groping was the raw proof of his lust. Somehow she pushed him and ran to safety of bathroom. She locked the door and wept quietly as she didn’t want to worry her already sick daughter. She wept thinking what kind of animal her daughter got married to. Priest consoled her saying “Be strong Helen, I know you have suffered a lot but be strong, don’t give up, god is with you. Hazel already assumed he must have done something to you. So don’t worry by not telling you are not protecting anyone.

That night my mom spoke to my sister about it. Both hugged and cried I sat there burning with hatred, disgust towards Abel. The man was worse than the animal. I was hurt that mom even didn’t consider of telling me. May be she had her reasons I consoled myself.

Priest had advised mom to confront Abel and record the whole conversation. When Abel came next time my mom and sister confronted him but he denied. How I wanted to get from my chair and beat that guy. My hands itched, my blood boiled, my male ego roared but I waited. He went on denying all the accusation in the beginning but agreed to all at the end saying my mom was the one who made the first move. If my mom and sister didn’t have caught me by arm I would have murdered that mentally sick psycho right there. How dare he was to accuse my mom.

I wanted destruction to save myself from doing something wrong. Every time I thought about Abel I lost my calm, I tried my level best to suppress my anger. I Joined GYM worked out for 2 to 3 hours but still there was my mind loitering every corner of Able’s street. So to save myself I started chatting in our what’s app group. As Josh was free from her obligation she ignored my flirty blows. Dominic and Joshua didn’t mind because they knew I am not serious. But Kevin started to act absurd, I felt something is not right. As I was busy with my family problem Kevin was the one who used to spend most of his time with Josh. They both were getting closer but I was sure that Josh will never fall for Kevin. It was Kevin I was not sure about. He knew how much I loved Josh and still love her, he also knew that we both can’t be together because of fucked up family problems.

December 2013 Josh went to Mangalore to attend her cousin’s wedding. Before she left I went to see her. We talked for a while then she held my hand looked into my eyes and said

Your friend needs you“.

I was confused wondering she herself is the friend she is talking about. Unknowing there was this small fountain rising higher and higher in my heart. So I touched her arm and said “You can tell me now, I am here”. She laughed so loudly it echoed in my head and I loved it. Wiping tears from edge of her eyes she said “Not me, Kevin needs you, talk to him”. I asked with surprise ”why , what happened to him?”. “Just talk to him” she said. I didn’t like the uneasy feeling that was building up, my fountain of energy dead already, I went to meet Kevin.

He tried to smile when he saw me but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. He was my friend since childhood so I knew something was wrong. I asked him what happened .He looked away and said nothing. I said I can read him through his eyes and he is not alright. I waited hoping he shouldn’t say anything which will tear my heart apart. When he realized I wont give up that easily. He told not naming the girl that he asked the girl out but she said she is not ready. It didn’t take long to realize he was talking about Josh. Some stranger falling for the girl you love dearly is understandable but your close friend falling for your girl is painful to bear. I didn’t know what to say but if both liked each other then who am I to come in between. I gave him hope told him may be girl is not ready and to give her some time.

Josh was back from Mangalore, I met her in our usual spot, the park. I tried to convince her saying all good things about Kevin.. She has right to be happy she needs to move on. If Kevin is the guy she is choosing then be it, I was ready to climb the steps to gallous.

She then told me Kevin proposed her in May 2013 soon after her and Austin’s breakup which Kevin didn’t tell me. In December before she left for Mangalore again he proposed her she said clearly it’s no and to stop pestering her.

I tried my best to convince Josh because I felt she has to settle without me ; I had no hope and Kevin was a good guy. I tried to convince her again praising Kevin and to give him a chance.

For her stubbornness I lost my convincing power.

I didn’t give up in January 2014 on chat I told her to think about Kevin. I don’t know whether I hit her saturation point because she replied saying “Alan you know right you and I can’t be together”. Did she just talk about herself and me? that too being together? Did I hear correct?. I was confused and failed to understand what she really meant. How many times I tried to analyze what she really meant. Fearing If I point out she will end our friendship I kept that sentence roam freely in my mind.

It was February and valentine’s day was round the corner. I made big collage of her pics . One evening I met her after work in our usual spot and gave her the collage before valentine’s day. She smiled seeing so many pictures of her and said it’s beautiful. Even though she liked it she didn’t take it with her.

On Feb 14, 2014 she came to my home and I lost my tongue seeing her at my door step. Dressed in red color top and black skirt she looked smoky hot to me. Her straighten hair was coming back to its curls and she looked old Josh to me. Happy I was but confused as well we were supposed to go for dinner me Josh Kevin , Dominic and Joshua. We were supposed to go together but me and Josh left before anyone could join us. Seated in light of candles all I could see was her. So before anyone could join us I told her which I should have told year’s ago.I looked into her eyes and said “I LOVE YOU”. She smiled mercilessly killing me again with her eyes, patted my cheek with her tender finger and said “I know Alan, I know”. She didn’t repeat those same words, she didn’t hug me or kiss me but I knew by then yes, she loves me too. She didn’t have to say her eyes poured her heart to me. I felt I am the happiest man on earth .

                                                                     To Be Continued

LOVE That Has No End 10

Posted: November 17, 2015 in STORY
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After 7 months of bed rest when finally my sister delivered a tiny, underweight baby boy . She fought the life for him, for her baby; she was a real fighter. Even though baby was under weight, he was doing fine. I stood and watched my sister holding her baby close to heart with tears in her eyes,admiring that little wailing creature .Motherhood may be every women long to experience I felt. Gray clouds were finally clearing out for my sister.

Austin proved me right, he was an over possessive, self-centered guy. He didn’t like Josh spending time with us, especially me. His demand to know her whereabouts every single minute started getting into Josh nerves. I chuckled seeing his insecurity; if he could he would have kept Josh under survivalence 24/7.

There was parish camp in Goa, we all were excited to go to and she had to take Austin’s permission. As if they are already married and she is reporting her daily activity to him. It was painful especially for me to see her suffer. When Austin flew his red flag saying no she was very sad. When Joshua said he wont go unless she come, she was forced to pack her bags. Before even she could set her bags in the hotel room there was Austin phone call demanding answers for his questions what she is doing , where is she and whom she is with.

Joshua couldn’t see his sister’s torment. He looked at me with concern and said “its better you talk some sense into her, I am tired of telling her, she wont listen to me”. I wanted to tell him no but again she was the woman I loved. I know it won’t do any good to me but I was willing to risk my peace of mind for her sake.

While the tourists were enjoying sea shore in Goa’s beautiful beach I sat on sand talking to Joshna; trying to be her good friend with my feelings for her masked by my smile. She just sat there next to me watching the people take dip in water. When I realized she is not going to talk I knew I have to be the one to hit hornets’ nest. I asked her “are you happy”?

She chuckled and said “When was the last time you saw me smile?”

I turned so that I could look directly into her eyes and said “When you were with me……..”

Taking silence as her shield she continued admiring the people enjoying water

Freedom, understanding, respect, trust, love, care you need them in proportion; neither more nor less. If the proportion varies then the relationship is not healthy. I have seen my sister living in hell ,I don’t want the same thing happen to you; think about it” saying that I made a run to the tempting water not waiting for her but sure as hell she will.

She didn’t listen to me like always; stubborn as mule she was. It was difficult to click a pic with her even in a group. We literally have to pull her close and force her to stand. Austin knew her all passwords and would check whenever he feels like. There was no space, no privacy for Josh. We came back from Goa and Austin came back from Dubai to check on Josh. He met me, it was a formal meeting. Looked like he wanted to see who the guy with whom his girlfriend spends her most of the time. He even didn’t like Dominic and Kevin I couldn’t understand him. I could see Joshna’s smile again holding Austin’s hand and I thought may be my doubts were baseless. Even though I was trembling inside I was happy because she was happy.

Joshna and I were still good friends, even though she was committed. I made sure nothing came between our friendship. We used to chat on social network about the day to day activity. One day I told her lets go for movie on Social network knowing her answer will be no. This time she paused for a while before saying no. She was tempted I was sure, all I had to do was push her little bit and she will say yes. I said “we’ll book corner seat for me and you; let Dominic, Joshua and Kevin sit together. It was a joke and she knew it. Joshua hate sitting with Kevin and Dominic, she knew it, and her simlies on the chat was proof of her smile on her face.

Next day there was a surprise waiting for me in the social site. I was trying to message Josh and bingo I couldn’t find her, I was blocked!! I called Josh, and she was surprised too. She didn’t have to explain me anything; I understood everything, son of a gun. I wanted to talk to Joshna but I chose silence. After few days again I got friend request from her I accepted thinking may be the love birds had a long chat. We chatted as usual that day thinking everything resolved. But I was proved wrong very next day when again I was blocked. When I told this to Josh she kept quiet looking serious as if she had to make some right decision. Expression on her face was clearly explaining how she hated Austin dictating her life. Next day she sent the friend request this time I didn’t accept.

Hazel was having tough time with Abel and here Josh had tough time with Austin. Two ladies I cared about were having tough time and all I could do is just watch and talk when it’s unbearable to see them in despair. In middle of all this Austin decided to come down to Mumbai to meet her. Her mom didn’t like his unplanned visit from Bahrain, she was well aware of his insecurities.

After his departure, due to late night fights over the phone, Austin lack of trust on Joshna got into depression. As Carmen couldn’t see his daughter weep, she decided to go to Bahrain with her sister as she wanted to talk to the Austin personally. As Carmen’s cousin was staying in Bahrain she thought what she had to loose, she can give a try for her daughter’s sake. When Austin got to know about Carmen’s visit, he went to meet her. Carmen wanted to talk to him alone but she never got the chance. Its then Austin invited her to his house along with her sister Edna. So Carmen along with her sister Edna went to his place. To make the matter worse his parents talked about Josh and Austin wedding which she was not expecting. As she wanted to discuss the issue with Austin she hadn’t told to her sister. There she was caught up between the scissors. To play safe she just told her she is not sure and her daughter is still young. She never got the chance to talk to Austin alone. She came back to India wondering about her daughter’s future.

When I realized Joshna might marry Austin I started to maintain distance with Josh. I had stopped meeting her because I didn’t want any misunderstanding to raise between her and Austin because of me. I also didn’t want to be that shoulder on which she can lay her head and cry. I was so much in love with her it hurt me to see her with other guy.

                                                                                        To Be Continued

LOVE That Has No End 9

Posted: November 13, 2015 in STORY
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Joshna left me many messages, she even tried to call me but I didn’t want to talk to her.There was lot of tension between Pinto family and Hegdae family. I wept in silent night for my sister and I wept for the woman I love so dearly.

Unfortunately or fortunately my sister was pregnant again. My mother was worried how she will handle the situation in this condition. Doctor put on medication but was useless. Whatever she used to eat she used to vomit. Even though she was on complete bed rest her condition worsen instead of improving. When my mom couldn’t see her suffering she said “let’s go for checkup Hazel…”. But she smiled and said “no need mom, I am doing lot better. But still mom insisted on the check up and took her to famous hospital. Doctor found that her fetus was dead months back and she have to go for DnC. My sister cried continuously for 2 days. A mother never want to lose her baby no matter how bad situation she is in, that’s what I realized seeing my sister.

After few days Abel came home to meet my sister along with his mother. Even though my sister didn’t want to go he convinced her that he is a changed man, who wouldn’t believe him when he vowed on the bible. I didn’t want my sister to go with him. She will suffer again I could feel it in my bones but when my mom agreed I doubted my mom’s decision. Sometimes being the last one so much painful, nobody wants to listen to what you have to say.

Hazel got pregnant for 3rd time and this time she quit the job. She was bit worried though about full time mental harassment and abuse. As if could my mom understood her dilemma she bought her home after third month. She was advised to complete bed rest. Mom and I made sure she was relaxed and had her food on time. We never let her out of our sight.

I still remember, it was October, I went to northeast, Nagaland for youth conference. My mom was alone with Hazel at home. I was gone for couple of weeks but I used to call home every day and mom used to update me about everything. Abel used to come to see my sister at my house, whenever he felt like seeing her, like a real caring husband. Even though I wanted to stop him mom told me to keep quiet, she wanted a calm surrounding for my sister. North East green mountains, tribal history tempted me to forget about everything back at home but I was still worried for my sister.

When his visits became regular my mom was all tensed seeing him. My sister was suspicious about my mom’s behavior when she was around Abel, she tried to talk to mom but mom took silence as her companion. But somehow Hazel was sure it was something to do with Abel.

She had made up her mind that she won’t give up on the baby. What more he can do? He had tortured sexually, physically and emotionally. There was nothing left with which he could make her scare.

I was back from northeast with new wonderful experiences. My sister was doing well, my mom looked tensed and she started acting absurd. I thought maybe she is worried about Hazel so I didn’t pressurize her.

I went to see love of my life trying to forget everything. With her cream color shorts she looked adorable to me. I was still dazzling in her beauty when she drop the bomb on me.She met this guy Austin on social network whom she knew since she was a kid. Austin, that’s what she said his name is, now moved to BAHRAIN and is working in bank. I didn’t like the way she was telling me about this Austin guy with blush on her face but I sat on bench listening to her. She said he proposed her and waited to see my reaction. I jumped and told her to say no because she hardly know him, people change with time and social media is not enough to know a person. If she really liked this guy she should give herself sometime. I poured all my convincing skills with fake hope she wont open the door to heart to anyone else.

She looked at me with those innocent eyes, smiled sweetly, ignited the match stick to the leaked petrol and said “I said Yes”.

There I was standing and watching her restraining my emotions to reflect on my face. One minute I see a slight possibility and next minute the possibility is gone, burnt with somebody else happiness. I showed my smiling face, I was happy for her, at least I pretended to be.

He was in Bahrain and she was here in Mumbai. Few times he had come down to meet her; she felt she did the right thing by saying yes to him. This time she even went a step ahead, told her parents and updated her relationship status. While her friends hit the “Like” button I was sinking in my sorrow.

                                                                             To Be Continued(without delay….)