Cup Of Coffee

 

I have never been a morning person until recently. I used to be an owl, watching movies late night, watching anything, interesting or boring and scrolling through the life events of, array of strangers residing in my storage folder named “friends” on one of many  the social networking platforms. Carefree, I was a super free, loud spirit. But now,  I am a quiet sobered spirit who hates the company of annoying, talking creatures with 2 legs and with frequent common headaches, looks like 30’s finally got me. Thanks to my job I am up by 5AM, now I am a rooster, F*** rooster!.

I was waiting for my bus at the stop meant for our company bus, observing the Bangalorean’s get busy with their day, some running to catch the bus while some returning back from their morning walk, dogs on their walk with their owners. I was lost in my own world gaping like an ape, when I saw a man walking with three dogs towards me. My sulking serious face lit up like a 100V bulb when I saw the golden retriever wagging his tail.

“Can I pat your dog?” I couldn’t resist and asked the owner who was may be in his 30’s. I couldn’t be sure though. Tiny eyes, oval face, that thick curly beard; if not for the face it was attached to, could have easily been a cozy nest for a bird. Water effect or age effect his head was like half-moon with center part shining like St Francis Assisi. He had these side locks, at the side,  “ drug addict?!!” no I wasn’t judging but yeah, that thought crossed my mind.

“Sure go ahead” he was all friendly.

I was patting his dogs, not whole heartedly though, when he said “Pat properly, don’t be stingy”. I love dogs but sitting in the bus for an hour, without washing my hand afterwards is really not my thing.

“Sure, sure” I chuckled and did what he suggested.

“That’s nice” he said, satisfied.

“What is his name?”

“He is chocolate, this is .. and she is” he said all three names back to back so softly that Chocolate is all I could catch. If it was me by now even the passerby would get to know the dog’s name. As I didn’t want to embarrass myself by asking him  to repeat the names I said “How lovely”.  This is what I have learnt, if you can’t make out what other person is saying just say “wow”, or “Awesome”.

“Bye Chocolate” I said patting him one last time. “See you soon” I always find it easy to talk to dogs than humans

“Bye” he said.

“Bye,  see ya” Thank god I didn’t say my farewell dialogue “Bye bye, have a nice day, see ya soon, take care.” Its habitual, I try avoid saying this to strangers especially men because next thing you know they will ask your phone number and send friend request, eat up your personal space  and suffocate you.

I cleansed my hands with the hand sanitizer, smiling and watching them disappear

&&&&&&&&&&&&

Next day I wasn’t sure I would meet chocolate again but there he was wagging his tail, all smiles to see me.

“Hey chocolate, how are you?” I asked the dog patting his head. I patted the other two dogs as well just saying “Hey”, “hey”. It was bad on my part but at the moment I was ok with it.

“He is happy to see you” The guy said. His one shoe had one colored lace and the other a different color. His nest like beard had a gray hair which I noticed that day. May be he is in a music band and dopes before his performance, and bangs his head, may be just in my thoughts

“Bye, see ya tomorrow” he was gone and I was busy rubbing my palms with sanitizer.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

So will he come today I was already wondering while waiting for my bus. Deep down I am still a woman with fucked up hormones. I wanted to bang my head to the nearest tree. I looked impatiently but there was no sign of him or chocolate, yeah I was disappointed. I don’t know whom I missed, the dog or the dog owner.

Couple of days passed and I didn’t see him or his dogs, I didn’t forget about them but they occupied the back row of my brain, at the back but still very much in the main frame.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

It was Monday; I was still yawning and was in a trance when he walked with his dogs.

I smiled and said “morning”.

“Good morning, how was your weekend?” he was full of questions

“Nothing great, just warming up my bed” how was yours? I asked him, patting Chocolate

“I went on trek”

“TREK????Boy oh boy you TRREEKK?”. Finally I meet the man of my fate, we can trek together. My mind was already a running wild horse with no reins.

“So where did you go?” I was super interested to know

“Nandi Hills” tusssss the air from my balloon was gone. Every Gopala-Ramesh-Manjunatha from Bangalore goes to Nandi hills, it is not a freaking trekking place, it’s a make out place for young couples, morning long drive for young people and relaxing place for old aged.

“hmmm, you can’t call it a trek” I corrected him.

“Oh yeah, it’s a drive,  sorry” hmmm  hmmmmmm.

“ok, I love treks actually” I was opening up against my rules. Never tell strangers specially men about your likes because next thing you know they will ask your number, send friend request and suffocate you……

“wowow, you do?wow you have a group or something?”

“Yeah, I tag along sometimes” what’s  got into me?

“Wow, nice” he seemed interested to know more. Turn off, when guys ask more questions than me it kinda freaks me out. I want a listener not the counter questions shooter. That’s why I prefer dogs over men.

“Bye, c ya tomorrow, Bye chocolate” I said turning to check on my bus

“By da, c ya, have a nice day”. Adding “da” at the end of each sentence is a Bangalorean’s thing.  He walked away then stopped, turned towards me extended his hairy hand and said  “by the way I am Arjun” very much like in a  hindi movie, how fancy!!. I smiled and caught his hand in mine and told my name. The hand shake was firm, nothing much. I was smiling, sorry correction, blushing,  that was the first time in my life time a guy  that too a total stranger seemed 10% interested in me. I giggled like moron while still waiting for the bus.

I giggled all the way to office remembering the intro part.

Like expected I told my friend and had a good laugh.

“Babe may be he is interested, ask him out on coffee” my friend encouraged me.

 “I am done asking guys out, not anymore”. In my 20’s I had asked couple of guys out because they wouldn’t ask me.(Total bad ass of me). One didn’t know about my existent and other …who cares, I don’t even remember his face.  I was independent, sophisticated, bold, working woman and I did what I felt was right. I didn’t waiti for the right moment, I just made the moment right. That was in the past, I was crazy (still I am but not to that extent). Now I am a just a silent boring person, to add on.

30+ but none have asked me out so far. It was troubling me for a few months now, every time  I saw those teenage girls walking with their boyfriends wearing half torn and cropped clothes, the troubled feeling would creep in. I wanted a man to ask me out just for once before I age bit more.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

“Shit, I didn’t iron my pants properly” I was cursing and walking, looking at the wrinkles on my white cotton pants.

“Who care anyway? No one ever looks look at me” true fact.

I was waiting for the bus when Arjun walked with Chocolate.

“Morning” I said “Hi Chocolate, how are you today”. Chocolate seemed happy to see me

“Morning, nice pants, are they rayon?” pants!! Really? rayon!!!? . Does he want to touch them,feel the fabric  and then may be  wants to get into them, pervert A** H***!

“na, cotton, I suppose” I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to react. I fu* *** hate it when people comment on my clothes and my looks.

“They are actually nice” definitely he wants to get into my pants or who in his right mind will comment on pants?! or maybe these days people do? not that I am aware of

“hehehehehe, thanks” no I didn’t tilt my head and smile like a lady,  instead I laughed like an moron.

“Bye then c ya” I still don’t know how to take compliments from men

“Bye” he said and paused for a while, he looked a bit uncertain.

I looked at him, he took a step back and opened his mouth and for some unknown reasons I knew what he was going to say. Like how I can predict the dialogues from movies before even they are said.

 “May be we can have a cup of coffee sometimes” he said looking at me. ”I mean if you are ok with it”.  

That was a victorious moment for me because finally a guy had some b*** to ask me out. I was over the moon.

“No rush, take your time” he was really understanding, considerate, when I took time to reply.

“I need..” Where the heck is saliva when required? My mouth was dry and I wanted some water to take away the dryness “I need  time to think actually”, finally I said it in broken sentence

“Sure, think about it and let me know. Have a nice day” he smiled and walked away with his dogs.

If not for the public place I was in, I would have jumped with joy “A guy asked me out!!!!, a freaking guy asked me out!!!!!!!” I was smiling like a full moon. May be it is not a big deal to most of the women but it was for me, no I didn’t like the guy, no I wasn’t in love with him or his dogs but he asked me out for what I am, what I looked like(and may be because my mouth was shut) That means what,  I am still pretty? or charming? Or interesting? In my 30’s!!!! Or he just wants to get into my white cotton pants?

“You should definitely go babe, you have never been on date, go, have some fun” my friend was happy for me

“But you know he asks lots of questions, he has sidelocks”

“That’s alright, you are not marrying him, it’s just a date”

“hmmm, he commented on my white cotton pants. I still need time to think” I always analyze things upside down and downside up

“relax, it’s just a date. Stop over thinking”

“hmmmm, he might be married, or may be a divorcee or a playboy”

“Stop it, beggars can’t be choosers remember this!!!”

“May be he is a rapist”. What?! So you mean to say I am a beggar?”

“Think about it, you are not getting any younger, he seems to be a nice guy.”

“hmmmmm, hmmm, I am getting old, hmm”I sighed, whom was I kidding anyways.

So what is the harm in going out with Arjun. If lucky I can walk his dogs, I was weighing the good things. If this is called being optimistic I was learning it with mind body and soul

&&&&&&&&&&&

“So what have you decided?” Arjun asked looking at my face next day.

Avoiding his eyes I said “yes, sure why not” I wasn’t still sure, but then having a cup of coffee with a guy with 3 dogs seemed a bit harmless. May be he can bring Chocolate along.

“Awesome, so how do we do this, can you give me your number?”

“No, we will decide the time and meet” call me old school but that’s ok.    

I was excited, against my stubborn will power, my mind wondered with imaginations, we walking the dogs in the morning, long drive to Nandi hills, may be a movie on Sunday after a brunch at Glens Bake House, may be a after party, after his performance . Definitely no treks with him!!

He knew where I was from, where I worked but I knew nothing about him except that he owned 3 dogs and probably was probably  a junkie(according to my imagination). I didn’t ask any of these questions, I was still respecting his space, one of the things I have learnt, respect other’s privacy like how you want them to respect yours. It looked to me that I was the only one who acted upon it and the world seemed to be busy with its own needs.

&&&&&&&

I was excited about the date, my first date, actual date with a guy. I let my mind wonder back and forth like a swing. Days passed and there was no trace of Arjun. I was a bit disappointed. May be he chickened out? or maybe he got some other white cotton pants to get in? Coffee was getting cold and Arjun was nowhere to be seen, in my mind, on our first date. Finally one morning he showed up and I was wondering whether he will talk about the coffee but to my disappointment he didn’t. Yes, I was sad

Meanwhile I did a lot of thinking “Did I want to go out with him because he was the first guy who asked me out or maybe because he has three dogs or maybe I really like him?” Call me old fashioned, but I still have old  rusted believes. Don’t be obliged to do things but do it because your heart wants it.  

“No big deal, go out it is just a cup of coffee, just enjoy the feeling” my friend was encouraging me

“But babe, if things turn bad I have to get up at 4 to walk and wait at the next stop,  just to avoid him. Imagine that, I will be sleep deprived and a total zombie.”

“You are funny, no wonder he asked you out” friends like her make me feel special.

“hmmmmmm hmm, let me think about it” my hair would have turned gray considering the overthinking on the subject.

&&&&&&&&&&&&

I was talking to my bus-stop-mate when Arjun walked, followed by chocolate.

“Hi there, morning.” He slowly said just so that, only I could hear

“Hi, Morning, how are you?”,

“good, good” I was sure my bus mate still could hear us. He walked a little further and hesitated for a while, I smiled and walked so that my bus mate couldn’t hear us. Sometimes all you have to do is relax and follow the lead like in Waltz.

“So about that coffee..” he said softly. It hit me then, junkie or not he was a nice guy, and he was being really considerate. He was a fine gentleman. I was glad for the moment, he asked me out

I paused for a second and scratched behind my ears because I didn’t know what to do with my hand. Even though I knew I will regret it later I picked my words carefully “I am sorry Arjun, it is not really my thing. Really sorry” There I said no to a nice hearted guy.

“ohh Really!?no problem, c ya, have a nice day” saying he walked

“Bye, you too” I took a deep breath, may be I struck off something from my list but felt sad to say no to someone, it’s harder than saying yes, but  saying no should be easy, I thought, it definitely isn’t !

&&&&&&

It’s been months now I haven’t seen Arjun or Chocolate. Sometimes I wonder may be he couldn’t face me with his wounded ego,  so he changed his walking route or may be changed his walking time. Whatever might be the reason glad I don’t have to get up at 4 to avoid him. Little sad,  yes, but more happy that I didn’t have  that cup of coffee with him.

Mountains Are Calling-Day8,PatarNachauni-To-Wan-To-Lohajung

PatarNachauni

The famous dancer from the mountains.

One last time when our bagged were waiting for the mules

Perfect farewell gift by Mohith.

When he danced with his heart even the mountains gaped at his moves in silence

He had all the trekkers glued to his sleazy moves

They cook food, boil the water, wash the utensils , in one word they take care of us with smile on their face.

Morning talks, I am gonna miss the most

We would have parted our ways but they will be remembered for their service.

Burnt face, limping walk, dirt accumulated body and priceless experience

Not Poop!!!Dirt in your nails is last thing you have to worry.

Hope one day I can trek like them, fast, firm, fearless and passionate.

They may not be trekkers but they had time of their life. Singing, shouting, eating fefda. By the end of the trek I started “cho’ing” every sentence. “Kemcho, maja marcho” was my classic. You can imagine the impact they had on me.

Bedni Bugyal

One look around and your spirits are lifted up to the sky by the colorful flowers

Bedni Bugyal

Be a man or woman its your passion matters and not the gender.

“Careful Madam” is all they said when I was descending. Unlike city men they didnt ask my name, phone number, age, status rather they smiled and waved. They didnt walk they ran like a carefree deer.

Rhododendron break, I gulped three glass of juice shamelessly. Thirstier than the black crow  from my 1st book I was.

Small place though but the lunch they served was delicious.

Spelling who cares when you can smell the food

Wan Village starts from here. Last, final stretch of our trek. Last day trek 15KM in one shot!!!!

Mayank with his sister Gauri on the way back from school

When I asked their permission to click picture they were all happy and smiles. Its almost wise to ask their permission before clicking their picture. We trek, explore their place and intrude their privacy. Most of the aged people doesnt like to be clicked.

“didi, Chocolate” is all they ask

Nothing can compete with priceless nature

Wan Village, its pretty, peaceful and soothing.

Yeah we did it without braking bones or mule ride.

Thank you Trek The Himalayas, you have been a good companion and organizer

I was limping, had blisters when I reached the Wan Village from where we had to Travel to Lohajung by Jeep. I was happy to be back to civilization, warm bath, good food. I was and still mesmerized by the people from mountains, they dont have wants like us, they have just basic needs. Their beyond worth innocence makes you question about your way of living. They might be poor but its their purity in nature makes them millionaire.

After one day when I landed in Bangalore I was missing the mountains, The Himalays, the wind, the cold weather, the trail, the dirt, the mules, people from mountain, my trek mates, guides. I am glad mountains called me and I went to them.

Feel free to drop me a mail if you need any tips on “Things to carry on Roopkund trek(Summer)”. I may not be a professional trekker yet but i am sure I will be one soon. my email id lobosylvia@gmail.com

Some Tips who never shares:

-Tie your hair, last thing you want to do is un-knot is your hair in the wind

-Pack Skinnies, very usefull.

-Pick the right trekking shoes. Remember they have to be spacious, comfortable and relaxing like your underwear .

-Make sure nails are trimmed.

-Go With a open mind.

-Carry stationeries, sweets, you can give it to Wan Village Kids.

-Be nice to guides, organizers and people you meet on trek.

-Respect the nature, the mountains and dont litter.

-What to pack, what not to pack, Google can tell you better than me 🙂

Read below to know how the journey started

https://snlworld.com/2018/06/02/mountains-are-calling-day1-rishikesh/

https://snlworld.com/2018/06/03/mountains-are-calling-day1-rishikesh-to-lohajung/

https://snlworld.com/2018/06/05/mountains-are-calling-day3lohajung-to-didnavillage/

https://snlworld.com/2018/06/10/mountains-are-calling-day4didnavillage-to-alibugyal/

https://snlworld.com/2018/06/18/mountains-are-calling-day5alibugyal-to-patarnachauni/

https://snlworld.com/2018/06/26/mountains-are-calling-day6patarnachauni-to-bhagwabasa/

https://snlworld.com/2018/07/07/mountains-are-calling-daybhagwabasa-to-roopkund-to-patarnachauni/

 

EPIC journey ends here

Where Is My Sexy Cow?

“Hey Florine, where is my sexy cow?” I asked my mother

“Must be in the hut,but since when you started loving cows”

Aloma, my 6 years old niece, added “sexy cow?kalen munthaigo?(what you saying?)

Alan, 4 years old nephew contributed “I love cows, ammba. I love our bittu(calf) too”

“You little rascals shut up, Florine I am talking about my top,not your milking cow”

Florine sighed and said “How will i know where your clothes are. In olden days, at your age, women used to have 4 kids, their mother in law used to …..

“Cut the same old brain draining crap. If you dont know who else will know. once in a while I come home and when I do, my clothes disappear” I raised my voice. Its obvious when your things are missing you yell at only one person, your mom

It was not the first time I was asking my mom about my sexy cow top.Every time I turned over my cuboard I I always wondered what happened to it. It was almost 6 months since I have seen the funny-looking-smiling-cow. As it always reminded me of my situation it was very dear to me.

“You must have done something to it. I am sure about it, I can feel it” I told my mom. I was scratching my head while my niece and nephew were staring at me without blinking

“Dont look at me like that”

“Like what” my getting-into-my-nerves niece asked me

“Like that, the way you looking at me right now…”

“Stop taking out your frustration on them” my mom commented from the kitchen

“What frustration?” I barked back at her

“now shut up , go and get the mop, I spilled the milk here”

Mothers, always have their way with kids. I went out grumbling to get the mop

“What the heck?” I almost fainted when I saw my once all pretty sexy cow now turned into old, torn mop

“FLORINE” I screamed with all my might, one or two fart would have escaped in the process I cant be so sure.

My mom was out all concerned on her face , so as my niece and nephew .

“What happened?did you see snake?” mom was all drama

“Snake my ass, look at my sexy cow. When did you turned into your dirty mop”

“Oh muja deva(oh my god) is this yours? I thought it belongs to no one” my mom said. Was she actiong? I looked at her.

“Oh this is your cow” my niece was acting like a investigator

“Grandma turned her sexy cow into mop haha” the two rascals were laughing now

“you two shut up or I am going to whack you”

“It’s branded that too lovable. how much pain I took to dig it during the sale…….” I was still yapping when my mom smiled and went inside adding “what is done is done, stop screaming, may be by mistake I used it as a mop”

“Cant you see before using it, it was brand new….” good for nothing but i had upper hand in whining.I was hitting my head to the wall when the two little rascals said “hit harder, lets see which is stronger your head or wall”

“SHUT THE …..I looked at them and swallowed the “F**** up”. I didnt wanted to be The Aunt who taught them F&&&

“Sorry, I think I didnt see it properly, old age you see” my mother was all apologetic and I was quiet all of sudden. Can you say anything when your mom says sorry?!!NOOO

I just walked out with my tail, my niece and nephew following me

I took a deep breath watching my worn out but still sexy cow smiling at me

Enduringly Free

I looked at him; with black shirt buttoned till top and blue jeans, he looked funny with uncombed hair and those dark circles under his eyes. I have never seen this version of him. His trick to look like a heartbroken man in despair was working to a certain extent on the onlookers, with that over grown beard and moustache. But definitely not on me for I was his wife for long 6 years. What shrewd thoughts are dancing behind that masked expression, malice behind the sweet smile, and goal behind the scheming little gesture, I knew it very well with my past experience with that son of the wicked witch. As for the witch, dressed in black salwar, sniffing her nose, holding my two years old son in her arms like a caring grandmother.

“You will pay for your debts, before you leave this world” I screamed at her. But like always she ignored me and continued wiping her crocodile tears. My heart was turmoil when my eyes fell on my mother being consoled by my sister. In her loosely fit sari blouse and green draped sari she just looked at me in silence. There were no tears, no sniffing nose just a blank look. Taking care of me, keeping the smile on my face had already drained the energy from her 65 years old body. How I wanted to hug her and say “everything is going to be alright mom, you don’t have to worry about me anymore”. I was grateful to my sister for standing by her side with her arms around defeated shoulder and comforting. The priest went on blabbering, making the cross sign, sprinkling holy water on me and around me, preparing my eternal resting place where worms will feed on me, enjoying and burping. I risked a last quick glance at my motionless body in casket for I am going to recall it in future whenever I want to remember my final journey.

Clad in a cheap red shimmering sari, which I picked for myself for my own funeral and jasmine flowers adorned on my then small now bulging head I looked funny. “Is that really me?” I asked myself. May be tumor growing inside my head made me look funny I justified. ”Oh god, I look like a woman suffering from mumps”. I laughed out loud for no one was there to restrain me from doing so. I twirled with joy enjoying this new freedom. I looked at my static body again, below my chest I was submerged with dark red roses, blooming jasmine, carnations and flowers I didn’t know. I felt so heavenly, I craved for flowers when I was alive and after my death I was showered with them. Consolation prize of dying I assumed. My grin widened when my eyes fell on my neatly shaped eyebrows. “Just perfect”, I said.

My time was up the moment I left my deceased body. On my begging god let me venture little more into this world of living. I had to see my son for one last time, dead or alive there is no boundary to a mothers love. Blame it on my tumor I was snatched away from the precious moment with my son, I craved to shower his face with kisses and hear him giggle, thrived to hold him in my arms and sing a lullaby, watch him sleep peacefully . With all the privileges gone with my breath I just have to satisfy my desperation just by merely watching him.

“She died so young, feel sorry for the kid, suffered a lot,” people went on expressing their views even when I wasn’t interested to know. Darn them, “Shh,can’t you all just keep quiet for a minute” I grumbled loudly but like the witch they ignored me and continued with what they were doing.

I looked at the priest who was quiet, then all of sudden he signaled at the men standing near my cozy, warm, forever sleeping bag. But before they could make a move my husband hurried to me and kissed my forehead like a loving husband who is going to miss dearly, while I shivered not with delight but with hatred. For the 6 years of marriage he gave me nothing but tears, yelling and beatings along with his mother, and now when I am finally free from his clutches he pretends to be desolated for the benefits and sympathy of the world.

Freshly out of college, with vivid colorful dreams of future I was working as an accountant in a small firm. With my shy smile, jet black hair and average height I was able to capture many proposals. Like a normal girls I dreamt of a loving husband, adorable kids and caring family.

Fallen for his twinkling eyes and charms on the first meet in presence of our elders I couldn’t imagine marrying anybody else. When my mother tried to convince me to reconsider my decision after hearing his great deeds from other people, my decision was still the same. Even though it was arranged marriage I went to callous willingly, how I wish I had listened to my mother then. My husband seemed to be a good man, with his care and love I bloomed like a camellia in autumn.

When I boarded the flight to Dubai with my husband after a month I felt like a contented woman. “Happiness is short lived” something I totally forgot, lost in the arms of my husband. With every passing day my husband’s real face surfaced like a dead body from the bottom of the sea. Bored whole day in the cramped four walls I looked forward for his arrival in the evening. But his late night banging on the door, followed by the yelling’s for opening the door lately killed my dreams with sling shot.

His increased abuse, gibe, foul language and thrashing martyred my smile and happiness forever. When I expressed my wish to work to escape the boredom he blindly said no carrying out his mothers orders smoothly, without even questioning once. I wanted to kill myself just in 3 years of my marriage, but when I realized there is a new life dependent on me I cried my heart out. I did not wanted the little one to bear the same ill fate like me filled with tears, sadness and hatred. Heavy bleeding during third month of my pregnancy and the continuous headaches, I hoped for a miscarriage, for the new innocent life will be free before even its come into this world.

After nine months when Samuel was born I was overwhelmed by my motherly love but I feared for his future during the silent nights. When my headaches were beyond control I saw a doctor who after doing all kinds of tests, avoided my eyes and slowly whispered “You have a tumor growing inside of your head which is in the final stage”.

My life was shattered because my son was too small, incapable of fighting his own battles. My mother begged me to come to her but I stayed with my husband for I didn’t want to be a burden on her. Already I was an entity who had lost her identity and I preferred it to be that way in my last days, gulping my pain, wiping my tears in the silence of night sleeping next to my sleeping baby

Abuse, yelling from my husband multiplied, my medication, at least, eased the pain I was going through, although it didn’t prove to be a complete cure. Few months later my husband’s blunt no to spend money on my medication and exceeded exploitation forced me to pack my bags and go to haven of my waiting mother. “To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part”, our wedding vow laughed at me with my husband showing his back to me when I needed him the most.

My mother was shattered seeing my bloated head, sunken eyes and the 2 years old little Samuel clinging to me, with fearful eyes glaring at her. I tried to be brave with a fake smile on my face but the knowing look from my mother was enough to wet my eyes. At the edge of life, I was happy with my mother; who fed me, took me to hospital, cleaned my puke on bad days and my sister, who boosted my energy with her amusing dialogues.

The final blow came when on one fine day my husband along with his mother came to see me. Glaring at them in my doorstep I could feel the well planned deceit.

“I will take Samuel with me” my husband muttered sipping the coffee my mom offered.

“What for, he is doing just fine here” I replied trying to sound not so anxious.

“You don’t understand Jude, he has to see you suffer every day. It’s not good for him at this young age.” My mother-in-law pitched in.

“Get out of my house” I wanted to yell at them but instead I replied calmly “He would rather see me suffer everyday than stay away from me”. They walked off taking their air of arrogance, hostility with them, but I knew they would be back and not stop until they got what they wanted.

Aware of their motives to separate my son from me, I met a lawyer to make the necessary arrangement so that my sister would get my son’s custody after I am gone to the world of dead. But before I could discuss the chances ,my tumor blackmailed me shamelessly; I was hospitalized. When I sat in the car for my one way journey to the hospital deep down I knew it was my last visit, freedom from suffering, pain was just arms away, I could literally feel my freedom. All I wanted was a little time but time was the one thing I didn’t have in my wallet . I wanted to screech at god, tell the tumor to stop its advance and death to fuck it self. I didn’t let my eyes shed tears, I didn’t let my spirit shrink, I didn’t let the painful headaches eradicate my smiles for my son’s sake who looked at me with hopeful eyes, hope to walk with his mother again, nag her and sleep into her arms.

I was in and out several times in my final week. On one such day I was coming around after painful headaches when I saw my husband, his mother standing near me, holding my son with triumphant grin on their face. I wanted to stop them, I wanted to shout at them not to touch my son with their stained hands. With my medicine working its wonder I was lost to the world of dumb before I could open my mouth. When I came around after a day my son was not around. I wailed with whatever little energy I got, I cried with my defeat, how can they separate him from me for I needed him more than anyone during my final moments.

I didn’t have to wait for long, that night I abandoned my abused, diseased body to rest peacefully for eternity. I was happy in a way but sad in another for I can’t be around to look after my son.

As I looked, my husband backed out crying loudly when my son just looked at me and whispered “Mommy”. My heart throbbed with despair. It won’t be very long before he forgets my face,my loving embrace, my name and his dear mommy.

As I watched, they first covered my face with pure white hand kerchief and whole body with white cloth.

“white or color, old or new, I am still feasted by worms. Don’t you understand, it doesn’t matter” I said.

Then all of sudden they started pulling out the flowers from the casket

“No, wait. Please don’t do that, I love flowers. Let them be with me on this victorious day. Please Sir” I went on begging but they did not budge.

“Oh Jude, Jude, my dear Jude” I could identify my mother’s helpless whimper. Someone closed the casket and lowered it to freshly dug grave. Some threw the mud while others the flowers, bidding me their final farewell. From mud I came to belong to mud for now and for eternity.

“Before you are born your fate is written by your creator, my love will always take care of you my darling, it will protect you from all the danger.” I said looking at my son whose eyes were closing with exhaustion.

I smiled, with my short painful journey coming to an end, there was a beginning to my new journey of freedom. I was happy for I could laugh again without any worries, after all I am a free soul.